Friday, April 6, 2012

Celexa withdrawls, and trying to blog my way though it.

Let my blog and a lot of other things drift in the past year or two. Now trying to withdraw from antidepressants and feeling like my life has completely fallen to shit. 10+ years on SSRI's and didn't realize just how bad things had gotten. Started taking them originally because I was moody, unpredictable and veering towards pretty nasty angry outbursts and taking things out on the people around me, mainly my daughter. She already had enough issues with an absent father, she didn't need an angry, moody mom on top of it. She deserved much better. It did help, I became a great mom. Loving, understanding and calm. Now trying to deal with the aftermath of it all. At first it was great, our lives improved dramatically, but somewhere along the line it started to change. I've lost all motivation, I still have dreams and ambitions, but no longer have the engery or motivation to even try to reach them. I start projects, businesses, jobs, and just lose interest in them. I'm surving, and just barely at that.

My apartment is looking like an episode of hoarders. I was never a neat freak, but now I don't know where to start clearing things out. I've begged my daughter to help, but that always seems to not come about. I've affered to leave so she can do what ever she wants as well as pay her, but it just never seems to happen.

My weight has hit an all time high, 191.5 pounds. Every diet I start I can't seem to stick with. Have no energy or motivation to exercise. Planning to start on Atkins, but not sure this is the right time.

Because I can't hold a consistant job my health insurance is sporadic. Started a job last fall I really enjoyed. Put in as many hours as possible including OT most weekends. Was sick of driving crappy cars, so my main goal was to get a new car. Worked like a dog, saved as much as possible for the biggest down payment I could manage. Got my dream car in November, right before Thanksgiving. A 2005 Mini Cooper convertible, red. My car still makes me smile every time I walk out the door. Got laid off (temp) right before Christmas and had immediate problems with my unemployment. They had no record of my wages, so no checks. My insurance started on Jan. 1, but no way to pay the premiums. Finally got that straightened out, just before I ran out of money for my car payments. Got a lovely letter from my employer stating my job had been eliminated on March 9, so now no job at all. Got the original unemployment issues fixed just in time to have used up all my benefits. I currently have just enough money in savings for 4 more car payments. That's how I'm measuring things right now, how many months of car do I have left including gas and insurance.

In the process of everything, my prescription for my antidepressants ran out. Can't get a refill with going to the Dr. That will cost me a month of car. My last refill was 1/25, knew it was going to be close so had been cutting then in half and then quarters to make them last longer. Didn't expect my current Dr. to retire before I ran out completely. Now I've unintentionally gone into withdrawls, and the real fun is just beginning.

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